An Ex-British Royal Family Member! How lucky is HRH!

«Hi. Yah. Fergie. Look after me and I’ll look after you. I never talk about money, ever, but fifty quid, right now, or I walk. Yah? Just leave it on the table.
I’ve got an idea for a TV show. It’s called How to Completely Ruin the Reputation of the Royal Family. It’s a comedy. Starring me. The duchess. Yah, I’ve done telly. Did you see the one I did with the fat oiks in Hull? No? I’ll have it sent to you. Fifty quid. Forty quid. Just leave it on the table.
Anyway, yah, the show. I’m not saying Andy will be in it, but he will. He’s whiter than white. But he will. Do you want to meet the Duke of Edinburgh? I never said that. But do you? No problem.
So that’s my plan for the show. You film me while I pretend to remind the British public, who are already enraged by MPs embezzling duck islands and porn films, what it really means for public figures to be on the take. It will be hilarious!
A spoof. Yah? I mean, nobody could think I’d be daft enough to do it for real. Not in a recession. Not with republican Lib Dems in government. Obviously I’ve more dignity than that.
Although frankly, I could use the money. Do you know how hard it is to live like a princess when you aren’t one? I probably have less money than Richard Branson. Less than Elton John. It’s barbaric. I left the Royal Family with nothing. Diana took £20 million. That’s why the Queen’s my friend. Do you want to meet her? Fifty quid. Thirty quid. A tenner. She can open doors.
Oh, go on. Start filming. Or I’ll have to write another book about that damn helicopter. I have to pay my own driver. I have to borrow a Bentley. I have to pay taxes. Even rent. Rent! Look, I never talk about money, but how about 50p for a cup of tea? 30p. I’m trying to get into a hostel. Please.»
Times online